Here we go! Welcome!

 I get asked a lot of questions on Quora about how to simply say hello to a stranger, or how to engage in small talk. Whether at a party, a business convention or the grocery-store line, the answer is generally the same.

(I've recently been listening to the audiobook of "The Art of Mingling" by Jeanne Martinet; it's so good so far that's I've gone back to listening to "Downton Abbey" play in the background while painting my house, and have bought the book. Some of what I'll say next is from what I've learned from Ms. Martinet; all of it is simple etiquette.)

A moment of silence while we scowl at our parents for not teaching us etiquette by example, but by yelling at us when we erred instead.

GENERAL RULES

A man always rises when a woman enters or leaves a room. Let me clarify: Not when every single woman enters or leaves,but his wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, manager, anyone in his particular group--or if he's in a waiting room and his expected female (interviewer, doctor) comes or goes.

If the male is unable to stand, whether due to disability or being crowded in, try to make an effort to rise, and make eye contact, perhaps with a bit of a sheepish look, to indicate to her that you know your manners, but circumstances make showing proper respect and courtesy impossible just now.

(An electrician--about 20 years old--asked if it was necessary to do so, or to follow the related rule of pulling out a chair for a woman when you're at McDonald's. say, especially if the seats/benches are attached to the floor. Let's agree that any fast-food restaurant isn't the best place to take a date and call it even.)

A man waits for a woman to extend her hand to greet him; she may simply introduce herself more casually, but there's the hidden element here: Women are given the choice to make themselves known to someone or not, especially if she is older or more senior.

When shaking hands with a woman, only grab as firmly as she does.

If only a left hand or a cane is offered, shake it. (Miss Manners says to shake whatever is offered. I must admit to a giddy preference to the response suggested, when encountering someone missing a right hand, in the wonderful book "Downtrodden Abbey: The Interminable Saga of an Unsufferable Family," by Gillian Fetlocks, which deserves more than the 2.94 rating it's received on goodreads.com, which is "an alarmed stare." As a person with amputated toes, I must be allowed to chortle at this as per PC/SJW hysteria.)

Men who know each other usually (and should) shake hands on encountering each other again after a passage of time. You wouldn't shake hands again when you've seen each other only yesterday, unless it's to show solidarity to a new person: New person: "John, I'd like you to meet Mr. James Smith, my mechanic." James Smith: "Hey, John! How's it goin'?" John: "Hey, what's up? Long time no see!")

A fistpump is never appropriate.

If someone extends his/her (let's go with the male moving forward) hand to shake yours, shake his. Don't leave him hanging. It's a serious insult to do so, as serious as the brilliant yet underused cut-direct look, popular among those who know how to employ it. 

If you shook hands upon meeting in this setting, whatever it is, shake hands when leaving as well. (Don't forget to shake your doctor's hand at the beginning and end of each visit.)

THE FIRST THING TO DO IN GENERAL

Have a look about you that suggests you are intelligent, all eight cylinders are firing, that you're aware of your surroundings, and are a nice, friendly person. You do remember that shaking hands was to check for daggers, yes? After all--greeting serves the critical purpose of determining whether someone is friend or foe (also a great song by Adam & the Ants). Once we've determined that the other person isn't going to kill us, we can get to know each other and see what develops--a business partnership, a romantic interest or partner in crime.

(Speaking of which, muggers, like lions, will look for the weakest member of a crowd to prey upon. Stand up straight, shoulders back, and, as they'll tell you in the Army, move like you have a sense of purpose!)

BE OPEN TO MAKING EYE CONTACT, ALWAYS.

Nothing will happen in your life that's interesting if you spend all day staring at a phone or doing everything to avoid being talked to.

When you're in a setting where people are supposed to be talking to each other (a dinner, a meeting, a party, a conference), don't be afraid of introducing yourself at random, or to the person who just came in, or the person who made an interesting remark, or to a group where there's a lot of laughter coming from: "Hi! I'm John Smith. How do you know Mary?/Do you know where the hostess is?/That is an impressive necklace. I'll bet there's a story behind it."

Avoid questions that can easily (and only) be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," because a conversation won't happen if it's like pulling teeth (which is actually a fine thing to go through).

If someone is only giving one-word answers after three questions, excuse yourself with "Excuse me," "I'd better go refill my drink," "Ah! There's Mary--excuse me," "Is that the time? I'm sorry, I have to make a phone call." "It's been nice chatting with you!" or something similar.

Just make sure that you do go get a drink, that Mary is indeed over there, or that you go outside or into another room (at least for a minute, to make that phantom call). You never know who or what that person knows, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. You've dropped the, sure, but you can at least make the effort to be discreet and honest about it, right?

Never ask someone's age, sexual preference, religion or political views unless that is the purpose the group met. Don't open or enter a group with any jokes about these topics, either, unless you are very confident they'll be well received.

For example, you wouldn't walk up to anyone wearing all black and ask, "Who died?" Someone might just well have done so and the person is in formal mourning for a period of time. (If someone asks you this and you're wearing black because it's a great color, you may reply, "I haven't decided yet" and give them a cool gaze.)

Ms. Martinet suggested an opening line of "Close your eyes. Now tell me what I'm wearing/what color my eyes are," but this is rarely appropriate. Other openers she mentioned are, "What's that you're drinking? Wait--don't tell me--let me guess." "I'll bet I can guess what company you work for if you'll answer three questions about it." "I used to live in this city but haven't seen it in a long time. I can't believe how much it's changed." "Did anyone else have problems connecting to the Internet today or was it just me?" "What's up?" She also suggested--and I agree--that if you're good at coming across as funny or wry, you can always use the old stand-bys: "What's a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?" "What's your sign, baby?" "Don't I know you from somewhere?" Just be sure that you've summed up the person you're going to make this statement to, but if it falls flat and they don't get it--no matter what you've just said--pretend you never said it at all. That's right. Let the words hang in the air for about two seconds and then say something else, like, "Hello, I'm John Smith. Aren't these decorations great?"

There's also the "fake it 'til you make it approach," which means you can act like you're very comfortable making small talk and meeting people, or you can pretend you're somebody else--say, Arnold Schwarzenegger (or the Terminator): How would Arnold greet someone? Without any fear, but not over-the-top, because he's sure of himself and would rather have the person he's talking to like him than fear him (in most cases), right?

Note that this doesn't mean you're going to talk with an Austrian accent or wear Ray-Ban Gargoyles when talking to people. You're only imagining yourself as being him, or, rather, those qualities you have seen or believe him to have. It can be a real person from any time in history or a character from any movie or book. Choose carefully: No one wants to meet Pikachu.

In addition to being okay with greeting someone, or actually talking about the weather ("I knew I should've brought my umbrella! Where did this rain come from all of a sudden?" is the perfect kind of remark to make after being caught in a sudden downpour and catching the eye of someone who's inside already or who also just got drenched), 

YOU MUST SIGNAL YOUR READINESS TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION, AND THAT INCLUDES EYE CONTACT.

It also includes body language, described above. Don't wear ear buds or headphones or (God forbid) a Bluetooth thingie anywhere in public, unless it's at the gym, and the music isn't louder than the conversation around you: For safety and etiquette reasons, you must be alert and aware of your surroundings at all times as much as possible.

Let's see how much farther I can get away from whatever point I think I was trying to make.

Etiquette demands that when you appear in public, you are at your best. That means you put other people's comfort and needs above your own:

People are disturbed by unkempt, or loud, or spazzy people. It's your duty--your moral obligation--to shower/bathe daily; have your hair under control, wear clean clothes without rips, tears or stains; have no offensive odor (that can include too much perfume, sweat or other bodily things I won't mention); be composed and keep to yourself except during an emergency; be aware of other people and at least appear to respect them and their comfort zones and health issues; protect whoever's with you in the event they are insulted or attacked or in sudden danger; maintain eye contact during conversations (except when you naturally look away here and there to process what they're saying); appear to be interested in what they have to say (to an extent; this is a complicated idea).

There is more to this list and as I go through my resources I'll make a point of identifying the source but you will not find any professed expert on etiquette who does not say that etiquette forms the basis of all relationships, on a person or international level, and etiquette comes down to courtesy, consideration of others' feelings, and at least the appearance of respect.

Why does only having the appearance of respect matter even more than actual respect? Because you don't want a situation where, for example, a police officer won't respond to a call because the victim is of a race or religion or whatever that the officer doesn't like.

See? Etiquette can even affect whether you live or die.

As they say in Japan, using the sketchy one-word answer from Google Translate, "Otsukaresamadeshita"--you must be tired.